Now that you're relaxed, let's slip into something a 'lil more comfortable shall we?

Ok, so I suppose I should say a little bit more about me.

As I said before, I'm 35-soon-to-be 36, and I'm also a single dad. I have two awesome and insanely adorable children- my daughter "CC", who's 10, and my son "T", who's 6 years old. They are hands down my greatest accomplishments to date, and if I can claim any credit towards making this world a better place, it would be my small part in bringing these two creatures into existence. I love 'em to death, and thankfully they love me back, and we're a cool little family.

How we got here is a story and a half...Obviously, they have a mom too and contrary to what you might have been thinking, not conceived in some futuristic funky lab experiment and hatched from test tubes. I know, I know, that would be a WAY more interesting story, but you'll have to tune into the SciFi channel for that sort of thing.

I was married for seven years to my high school sweetheart, we'll call her "J" (as opposed to say, Fat Walrus, which my best friend Kathi would prefer). She and I dated on and off throughout high school, went to proms together, dated in college, and got engaged on Valentine's Day. We got married on a lovely day in May, and a few months later found ourselves pregnant with CC, and a year later we were a perfect little family of three, living in a gorgeous little town house in the town we grew up in, living out the American dream. Ok, let's all let out the collective "awwwwww". Such a sweet story, right? It was.

For a while. It was awesome, and I thought I was really, really happy. Just a slight, teensy weensy problem...I wasn't. I felt like I should be very happy, I mean, I had it all right? Pretty home, pretty wife, gorgeous kid, nice job...how does it get better? I couldn't figure it out, and it plagued me....nagged at me. I was miserable...and problems I had my whole life started to become magnified. Was the stove off? I mean, was it really, really off? Did I unplug the iron, and for good measure, wrap the cord around it twice and make sure that the plug was dangling to the left side within clear sight, to prove that I didn't just *think* I had unplugged it? And did my hair look right? Just right? Or did it look different/thin/askew/funny?

I remember my battles with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, duh) as far back as first grade when I'd have panic attacks if I got grass stains on my corduroy Huskies, but I just thought it was part of my quirkiness. I remember always feeling "off", and not quite normal, and was always worried and nervous about things, although I'd never admit that to anyone. I distinctly remember a two month period in Kindergarten where I was deeply depressed about the prospect of my Dad being drafted to the Army and having to leave us, although there was no war at the time. It was just a "what if" scenario, concocted in my head. I told no one about this, but it plagued me. I don't know what broke me out of my obsessively dark thoughts about his leaving and eventual death (I just assumed if you went to war, you came home in a wooden box draped in a flag, right?), but I distinctly remember how I felt in those months. Hopeless. Sad. Out of control. Small. Insignificant. Alone.

Anyway, I digress...my childhood is another story for another time! Aren't you just riveted at this point?

I can clearly see that for the bulk of my married life, I was a miserable, horribly depressed lump of flesh. It was awful. My OCD was insanely out of control. Rituals like getting ready for work took hours and hours. It put a huge strain on my marriage. We had some beautiful, wonderful times, don't get me wrong. We were happy for a long time. But we were also going through the motions for a long time too. My ex-wife tried really hard to figure me out, and almost lost herself in the process. We were always best friends, and that friendship took it's toll and was tested to the limit. But we were young and foolish, and loved each other, even if we weren't *in love* with each other, and we had kids -my little sonny was born in 2000. So, we were in it for the long haul, and I never was going to leave or give up on our marriage - I'm just stubborn that way, and a promise is a promise.

I guess that stubbornness royally screwed me in 2002, because all the years of denial about my illness and depression caught up with me. Big time. J finally got the balls to say she wasn't happy, and wanted a divorce. This was coming from a woman who's parents had divorced bitterly when she was a child, and swore she would never, ever go through a divorce. It shocked my entire system. And sent me over the edge. I ended up in a lovely locked-unit so that I could breath and re-boot, to quote a Sex and the City line. I remember the week vividly, and how peaceful I felt to be surrounded by people crazier than me, and to spend so much time with people focusing on my and my feelings - so what if they were getting paid to listen, it felt nice. I even enjoyed painting suncatchers and a lovely self-portrait of myself! Ah, good times. I also remember my wife coming in on my last day for the "Family Meeting" and re-iterating that she was done, kaput, "ovah". Strangely, it didn't send me back into a tailspin, but it showed me that no matter what shit I was going with, life wasn't gonna stop on account of me. And I was ok with it.

I was even sort of ok a few weeks later when I found out that she was having an affair with her co-worker, which was a big reason for her asking for the divorce. Well I wasn't ok by a longshot, but didn't end up in the booby hatch again, and didn't off myself, so I would say that was "ok" in my book. Also another story for another time. Suffice to say that I found out how strong I was, fought like hell for my kids, and for myself. And won in many ways. It was a turning point in my life, and I got through it by sheer will, and the love and support of a few people who I'll never, ever be able to demonstrate how much they mean to me. I love them so much. Friends will be there for you in good times, but your truest, most sacred circle won't sugar coat the situation or avoid it, they drop everything to rally behind you and become your life line. They tell you when it sucks. They cry for you. They beat their chests and rail at the world with you, and would do anything physically possible to take just one ounce of pain away from you. And I was blessed to have these battle scarred people in my life. Mom, Dad, Kathi, Sean, and a few others...you know who you are and what you mean to me.

So, that's my sob story. Ha! Just kidding! I have many more sob stories to share. But that's how I got to be the Dad to the coolest, cutest two kids that ever lived. And you know what? Despite all that shit with my marriage, I'm ok. I got through it. I found strength in myself that I never knew I had. We divorced, and I was far from blameless, but I never cheated and never gave up until I had no choice but to walk away. I'm proud of that. Being loyal is a blessing and curse. I rebuilt my life and made a wonderful home and stable haven for my kids, and kept traditions and family connections alive for them so that they came out of all this crap relatively unscathed. And in the end, they're what's most important. I've told my Mom several times that even though my break up was a bitch of a hard time, my kids were a total gift from God, so how can I ever say my marriage was a failure, or ever regret the choices I made? If I never had CC and T, my life would have been horribly empty and unfulfilled, so I have no regrets and would do it all again in a heartbeat.

In the past three years since my marriage ended, I've learned a few new things about myself too, and why I was always wondering why I felt like the odd man out, and I learned that life can be happy, with the help of some self discovery, acceptance and good meds! I'm even good friends with my ex-wife to boot! Who'd a thunk it?

All this leads me to thinking...wouldn't this make a PERFECT script for a Lifetime movie? Except I don't think the ladies at the Lifetime network take too kindly to stories about men. Plus Tori Spelling couldn't play the lead in my movie anyway. OR CAN SHE?